Monday, July 27, 2009

The Story of the Great BJJ-Prophet Ezekiel-Choke pt.4

As it was thus written, Ezekiel was banished from the mat-lands, and a dark cloud covered the BJJ-world. For all was no longer joyful within the kingdom, and sorrow, like a mad wrestler, began to grip the gi of the land. Ezekiel was gone, and wandering alone without sparring partner nor teammate to help him, all were sure he would perish upon the hot, mat-less sands. And now, with Ezekiel gone, the BJJ-Pharaoh would tighten his chokehold upon the students of the temple even further, raising the training tax three-fold, blaming it on increased temple expenses, and enacting a despotic auto-grain-debit payment system from all in the kingdom. During his father’s reign, one could train for unlimited time for only one bushel of grain per month; But all was no more. the BJJ Pharaoh would auto-debit three bushels of grain and implement so many penalties for various gym infractions, all but the most favored would be forced to pay four bushels of grain on average per month, leaving little left to feed and house the families of the students. Times were melancholy, and some even spoke of leaving the mat-lands, and thus BJJ forever, and venturing to the jungle-lands of the Muay-Thai kingdom, forsaking grappling for striking, a thought most blasphemous, but thus was the sorrow of the time. The mats had gone gray and their minds were staph-like. It was at this time, when the students began to pray to the great BJJ-Lord for Ezekiel’s return in hopes he may free the whitebelts from the greedy BJJ-Pharaoh and take them to the promised gym, as was written in prophecy since the beginning of BJJ-times. For it was written, that in a time of great darkness, a mighty BJJ-prophet would emerge, who would free the whitebelts from their sorrow, and deliver them from the greed, politics and evil that had infected the beloved gentle art.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Story of the Great BJJ-Prophet Ezekiel-Choke pt.3

Gradually as time passed through the mat-lands like a kettlebell upon the wind, word of Ezekiel’s unselfish love and fervor for his students began to spread far and wide. And though the BJJ-Pharaoh kept a hold on membership of all classes in the kingdom like the deepest of triangles, whispers could be heard on the mats of many a BJJ’ers wish to train under the new teacher. Eventually, word of Ezekiel’s fame came to the Pharaoh’s ear and he cursed Ezekiel’s name for threatening his fame. The truth was, however, that Ezekiel had no intention of the kind and only wished to roll in harmony with his brother once again, but the Pharaoh’s jealousy was stronger than the strongest of armbars from which there is no escape. Thus, the BJJ-Pharaoh sought his revenge and wished to humiliate Ezekiel before all in the kingdom. The great mat-land competition was soon approaching, and the Pharaoh, knowing Ezekiel’s love of competition, would mischievously arrange to fight Ezekiel through a merger of brown and black belt levels alike. And thus it came to pass, that the young Ezekiel was brutally choked-out before all in the kingdom and humiliated by the Pharaoh. Because after Ezekiel tried to tap-out, the Pharaoh continued to hold him and not release the choke. Thus it came that Ezekiel fell unconscious and poo-ed his pants with some poo even falling upon the holy mats of the BJJ-temple, and, as according to ancient mat-land law, defiling the mats with poo, Ezekiel was banished from the kingdom and forced to wander the land-of-no-gyms forever, deep within the mat-less desert.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Story of the BJJ-Prophet Ezekiel-Choke pt. 2

Time passed like a fading gi, and the young Ezekiel, through his dedication and genuine love of training, received his brown belt and was awarded his own small group of whitebelts for which to train. His brother at this time had also become BJJ-Pharaoh of the great mat-lands, and this made Ezekiel proud and full of joy, for he loved his brother very much, more than anyone in his life, but all was not as Ezekiel believed within the mind of the young Pharaoh. For the young BJJ-Pharaoh’s power began to fill his ego, and his gi became a hollow gi filled with greed and ambition to rule over his subjects, even his beloved brother Ezekiel. Thus, when Ezekiel was granted his own group of students, the Pharaoh, because of his greed, would only send his least favorite whitebelts to Ezekiel: the two ladyboy-looking-guys who perpetually felt the need to emphatically claim they were not gay; Mr. Yippee, the retarded and disabled beggar-orphan with the incredibly stinky gi and annoyingly screechy voice; and the Viking, a strong and powerful competitor with unlimited potential, but who always injured his sparring partners because of his incredible strength and refusal to remove his ‘viking helmet’ even whilst training. Nonetheless, regardless of their weaknesses, Ezekiel loved them and dedicated himself to developing their BJJ skills because he was of a pure BJJ-heart, and humble before the great BJJ-Lord, and thus, because of this, his students loved him equally.

The Story of the BJJ-Prophet Ezekiel-Choke pt. 1

In ancient BJJ-times, there lived a young orphan child named Ezekiel, who was taken in by the mighty Pharaoh’s of BJJ to live within their great BJJ kingdom as one of their own. Ezekiel was a humble child and a lover of the art of BJJ. He and his brother, the future pharaoh of the BJJ-land, were the best of friends, living and training in friendship together. It was a royal life the young Ezekiel possessed within the great BJJ temples, and he wished it to never end and to die a happy and content blackbelt someday within thy hallowed halls of the BJJ kingdom.